Defiant Children

 

On the following page are some tips for dealing effectively with defiant children. 
These tips are arranged developmentally, according to the age of the child. 

 

Pre-K/ Elementary Age Children
 

     1.   Catch your child being good     

• Too often parents only pay attention to the inappropriate behavior of their kid while mostly ignoring the good behavior.
• Remember the "5 to 1" rule:  to be most effective, a parent should praise their child 5 times more than criticizing or reprimanding.
• Make sure to praise compliant behavior within ten seconds of its occurrence (Sharma, 2004).  Praise should name the good behavior specifically.  For example, "You did a great job cleaning your room!" or "I like that you followed the directions the first time I asked you to!"
• Praise your child for good behavior and making good choices.  Just because you expect your child to act like that all the time, doesn't mean you shouldn't praise the behavior.

     2.    Be Calm (Scott, 2004)

• Remember that angry parents will often have angry children.
• Sometimes parents need a "time out" too. If you are too angry at the time, tell your child you're going to take a "time out" for yourself, and deal with the situation a few minutes later.  

   3.    Be Consistent

• Deliver a negative consequence (punishment) within ten seconds of the defiant behavior. (Sharma, 2004)
• Make sure the punishment fits the crime.  Often  parents will deliver consequences only when they have reached their limit of frustration, and give an overly severe consequence. This can lead to more anger and frustration for the child, who may feel you are being unfair.
• Always follow through.
• Only threaten a consequence that you can actually deliver. For example,  don't say you are going to take away T.V. for a month, when you know that is not realistic.  All your child will learn from this situation is that his/her parents won't ever follow through, so why should they even listen?

           4.   Communicate Clear Expectations (Scott, 2004)

• Your child should have a clear understanding of what is expected of him/her in various situations. Give reminders before a difficult time approaches.  For example, if grocery shopping is a hard time for your child, before you enter the store, go over your expectations - "Remember that while I am shopping your hands are kept inside the cart, you will have a quiet voice, etc."  For older children, have them tell you what you expect from them.  If they remember it themselves, chances are they will take more responsibility for that behavior. 
• Give green lights, not red lights. This means that telling your child what he/she should not do, doesn't help him to know what he should do. Instead of saying "Don't yell!!" say "You need to talk in a quiet voice".
• Instruction should be clear and precise.  Instead of telling your child to "Be good", tell them exactly what you want them to do.  For example, "You need to sit quietly while mommy is driving". 

           5.  Give your child (some) power over his life (DeBord, 2004)

• This is a tough one because as a parent you want full control - you do know best! However, this is a strategy that can often diffuse a situation before it turns into a meltdown.
• If you find that your child is becoming defiant or you are in the beginnings of a power struggle, give your child some control back by offering them a choice (make sure you are okay with either option) 
  • For example, you have asked your child several times to pick up his toys. He continues playing and ignores your request.  At this time, get down to his level and say "Here is your choice:  you can either clean up your toys now or when (insert favorite TV show here) is on, which do you choose."  If child continues to ignore request or says "NO!" tell him/her, "Remember if you do not make a choice, I will choose for you.
• This teaching process may take a few times for your child to catch on to, but with consistency they will begin to see that it is better to have some control than none. 

 

§  Be Consistent with clear expectations for your child.

§   Give your teen power over their own life by helping them solve their own problems (DeBord, 2004).

§  Make sure your teen knows when you are proud of them.(DeBord, 2004)

§ Don’t let the only time you talk to your teen be when they are in trouble.  Let them know you notice the good stuff as well as the not so good behavior.  This will keep those important lines of communication open.

§ Say what you mean and mean what you say.

§ Do not get in the trap of making false promises as well as false threats.  Only say what you truly expect to do.

 

 

 

Steps to Getting Through a Tantrum

 

1.  Stay calm (this is a hard one and may take some practice, remember to use some relaxation strategies!)

 

2.  Ignore the tantrum.  This should be done if the tantrum is not endangering the child and/or is not in a public place.  If ignoring is possible, continue activities, but keep child in sight at all times. When ignoring, remember to not look your child in the eyes or say anything.

3. If the tantrum is endangering the child or is in a public place, move the child to a safe place that does not have an audience (siblings included).

 

4.When you see that the child is calming down (de-escalating), praise him/her for getting themselves under control. 

 

5. Do not reward your child after the tantrum has ended by giving in to their demands. This only serves to reinforce the tantrum and guarantees a lot more in the future. Praise your child for calming down and then resume your activities. 

 

 

Helpful Tips

 

§ When a child is in the middle of a tantrum, intervening or trying to talk/rationalize with the child is futile and may only cause more agitation and escalate the behavior.  Talking and teaching the child should be done either at the very beginning when it is noted that the child is agitated and/or becoming frustrated or once the tantrum has stopped and the child is once again in control and thinking logically. 

 

§  In some rare cases, children endanger themselves or others while having a tantrum.  In these cases, consult a professional for training regarding how to implement time-out in a way that does not physically endanger you or the child.

                                                   

 

Helping Your Child Manage His/Her Anger

         

1.      Talk to your child about what makes them angry and what helps them calm down. (Marion, 1997)

§  Keep communication open and let your child know he/she is free to let you know how they are feeling, but set boundaries on how they can express the emotions.  Many times being able to say "That makes me mad." without fear of punishment, is enough.  Validate their feelings without giving in.  You can say "I understand you feel mad about having to go to bed, but your bedtime is nine o'clock".

 

2.     Teach your child relaxation techniques to help them calm themselves down when they feel angry. (Marion, 1997)

§  Relaxation techniques include:  deep breaths, counting to ten, closing their eyes, or walking away

 

3.      Have a special place in your house that your child can go when he/she is angry where they can calm down and no one will bother them.  (Marion, 1997)

 

4.      Model Responsible Anger Management Yourself (Marion, 1997)

§  The best way to teach anger management is to model the behavior yourself.  Children learn best by example!

 

 

 

 

Helpful Resources

Websites

 Troubled Teens homepage.html     www.troubledteen.com     

 Teen Assistance Resource Center www.teenassistance.com

 Tufts University: Child and Family Web Guide www.cfw.tufts.edu

Books

Your Defiant  Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior (1998) 
    By: Dr. Russell A.Barkley

10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (2006)
   By: Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D.

The Defiant child   (1997)
    By: Dr. Douglas A. Riley

The Explosive child  (2005)
    By: Ross W. Green Ph.D.

From Defiance to Cooperation: Real Solutions for Transforming the Angry, Defiant, Discouraged Child (2001)
    By: John F. Taylor Ph.D.

Videos

Misunderstood Minds: Understanding Kids WhoStruggle to Learn(2002)

1-2-3 Magic: Managing Difficult Behavior in Children 2-12 (1990)

How to Behave So Your Children Will Too! (2000)

Parenting Today: Who's in Charge (1995)

 

References

DeBord, K. (2004).Published by North Carolina Cooperative Extension Service.  www.ces.ncsu.edu/depts/fcs/human/pubs/aggression.html

Marion, M. (1997). Guiding Young Children's Understanding and Management of Anger.  Young Children 52(7), 62-67.

Scott, S. (2004).  Fortnightly Review: Aggressive behavior in childhood.  Department of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Institute of Psychiatry, London.  www.bmj.com

 

Sharma,V. P. (2004).  Tips for Dealing with Defiant Children.  Mind Publications.