Several days had passed and though we didn’t discuss the matter,
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. That weekend I got together with
some of my family, and an idea for this project hit me. I decided
that I would tell my husband I wanted to be paid for housework. I
would run the idea by my mom, sisters and aunt and then, armed with their
support, I would approach my husband. One morning at breakfast I
told everyone about our argument. As I expected, they were all upset
and disappointed in Shane. Then I told them my solution. At
first everyone laughed and commented on how great that would be.
Then I told them that I was quite serious. I couldn’t believe the
change in their moods. They started telling me how ridiculous I was
being and how I was his wife and it was our house so I should help keep
it clean. I explained that I agreed that I should help, but that
he was suggesting that it should be solely my responsibility. And
that if this were the case then I felt he should pay me. That way
he could make demands about how and when things should be done and have
every right to complain when I didn’t meet his standards. My family
went from thinking I was funny, to thinking I was silly, to being down
right furious with me.
My mother said that since I quit work and went back to school, Shane
was supporting me and by being the breadwinner he deserved to have a clean
house and clean clothes without having to pay me for it. It was my
duty as his wife, my aunt and mother said, to care for the house and children
and that if I couldn’t do it all, maybe I should quit school. My
sisters thought that I should still be able to finish school, but that
I should hire a maid service and pay for it out of my measly paychecks
myself.
The more they spoke the angrier I became. At first it was a joke
for me, I thought they would all laugh and agree that I should tell my
husband these things. But they were outraged by what I thought was
a sound solution to a ridiculous problem. I realized the proposal
wasn’t normal, but I didn’t think it was so extreme either. We had
always shared the work fairly equally, and now he wanted out of the work.
If we weren’t married he would have to pay someone else or do it himself
so what was the difference?
But my mother, and sisters, with their traditional beliefs about marriage did not see this as logical but as an abuse of my husbands kindness in letting me quit my career for school. Now keeping in mind that my mother and both sisters were divorced 5 times between the three of them, I tried not to take them too seriously. My aunt however is in her late fifties and has been married to the same man since she was 19. She is also the mother of 6 children so I was sure that she would see my point. While she agreed that women should be paid for the work in the home, she thought it was silly to expect that pay to come from a husband, but maybe the government. I tried to reason that it was he who demanded the house be cleaned and that I be the one to do it so why shouldn’t he be the one to pay for it.
I finally told them all that this had begun as a project for a class. Rather than calming them, this made things worse. Now not only did they think I was being self-righteous, but also that my husband was paying for me to take classes that were putting horrendous ideas into the heads of young women. It started as a joke, and I didn’t take myself seriously, but the more angry people became at the idea, the stronger my convictions became. I found I was getting angry at their emotional responses to what I thought was a sound proposal. At first I didn’t really believe that I deserved to be paid either, but I listened to their reasons why not, and realized that they didn’t make any sense and that what I was proposing did seem perfectly logical. I know that my mother and aunt grew up in a different time and society than I, but my sisters grew up in the same environment as me. Yet for all the talk of a generation gap, here were two generations of women who still agreed that a woman’s place is in the home no matter what else she is doing with her life.
I am happy to say that my husband was much more receptive of the idea.
When I did approach him with the subject he immediately apologized and
explained that the fight had little to do with housework and more to do
with the fact that I wasn’t able to spend time with anyone in our family
and that the effects of my absence were felt in everything. He explained
that he did not expect me to do everything and that sometimes he is jealous
of my dedication to school. It was the fact that I wasn’t spending
time with anyone that sent him looking for a fight. I continued on
the subject asked if he would be willing to pay me if it were solely my
job. We discussed the matter for a while and decided that it was a non-issue
since he wouldn’t be able to sit back and watch me do all the work anyway.
The next day he told me he had called a maid service to find out the going
rate and that if I was interested in paying him, he’d be happy to take
over all household tasks.